The only upside about taking a job out in the suburbs (besides the higher pay) has been the easy access to hiking. Seriously, just a 20 minute drive and I’m in the middle of nature. You could never get me into a gym. Ugh. All those pervy guys leering at me and slutty girls just there to flirt. No way.
But in nature I can be myself. Its exhilarating. There’s a real feeling of freedom — of never being tied down.
And its a good workout, too. I swear, ever since I moved here my thighs have really thickened up. In a good way… I hope.
Whatever. Except for that jerk at the office, life has been pretty great.
Ok… I don’t know if its the hiking or what, but my… my hips and, well, ass. They’ve just been feeling so… so… so good.
I actually went shopping for thongs over the weekend. I never wear thongs! But about it just… just turns me on.
I’ve been so horny recent.
Ugh, I can’t believe I said that, but its true! I need to get a hold of myself.
Work has been the worst. I can barely concentrate. Luckily, that jerk covered for me on my section of the quarterly report.
Actually, it was pretty nice of him. And then he went and made some joke about how I could make it up to him by doing his laundry.
Well, jerks are jerks.
So I did his laundry.
I know, I know. But let me tell you, it was my idea.
Deadlines were coming up at work and, to be honest, I was accomplishing nothing. Zero. Zilch. Nada. So I thought to myself, rather than stress or freak out, maybe I’ll take up Mr. Jerk on his so-called joke.
Do my work and I’ll do your laundry.
Well, he said yes.
So I show up to his house on Saturday, before I go for my weekend hike, and he’s got this big pile of clothes there.
And I’ve gotta say, doing his laundry, like, kinda fun.
I don’t know! Its just, um, after being so unproductive at work or whatever, it felt like really good just to accomplish something.
Plus, I don’t know how to say this, but… his clothes smelled really good. Not after I cleaned them, I mean. Like, before. His dirty clothes. They were just so… so… musky and manly. All I wanted to do was bury my face in this cock.
I mean clothes! Clothes. Ugh.
Oh, and that’s not the worst part.
So when I finish folding up all his laundry, he gives me this, like, jerk grin, tells me I’d make a great housewife and then grabs my ass.
I… I nearly came right then and there.
It was like fireworks. Like a shock through my whole body. The thing I had been yearning for, craving, he just gave it to me.
What a jerk.
I think I want to do his laundry again.
So like, Mr. Jerk and I hammered out a deal. He’d do my work for the whole week, and I’d take care of his house. Laundry, cooking, cleaning, the works!
Turns out I’m pretty good at all that stuff.
Plus, it gives me time to go shopping. Seriously, none of my pants fit anymore. And all of my clothes were just office outfits. If I’m not going into the office, I needed something else to wear.
Hopefully it’ll get Mr. Jerk to grab my ass again.
So they fired me.
Turns out they don’t like it when you don’t show up to the office for a week. Not that I mind. Who wants to go to work anyways?
That’s ok, though. They just gave Mr. Jerk my portfol… portfoli… like, all the stuff I used to do. And they gave him a raise, too! He even said he wants to celebrate by taking me out to dinner.
Well I wanted to celebrate by looking my best, so I joined a gym. Can you believe it?
I don’t know why I never liked them before. All the girls here have such great fashion sense and they’re so friendly. Plus, all the guys are really hot… I mean nice! They’re just really nice guys. Not as nice as my Mr. Jerk though!
You won’t believe what I did last night 😉
Let’s just say that Mr. Jerk won’t have to jerk it by himself anytime soon.
OH MY GAWD!!!
You won’t believe what he did today!!!
He bought me a car!
Not just any car. A big SUV!
It’ll be so much easier to get groceries and store my yoga mat and stuff. And we can definitely put the kids in the back seat when he knocks me up.
Ohmygawd what did I just say?
Well, don’t blame me! I accidentally threw out my birth control pills when I was cleaning last week (I swear I’ve been such a ditz) and Mr. Jerk won’t give me money to get new ones.
Maybe he’s trying to send me a message. If that’s true, then just call me Mrs. Jerk.
I swear, life in the suburbs has been the absolute best!
So, to recap, these three are alone in the house, unknowingly in the middle of a True Augmented Reality testing environment.
Yup. Ashley, Josh’s crush, is suddenly his doting girlfriend. Did her original boyfriend get wiped from existence or…?
Nope, Grant is alive and well. From what we’ve gathered, just forgot why he was in town and flew back last night.
Ok, phew. I wasn’t sure about how the program would handle outside parties.
Anyway, Josh is now alone with Ashley and her redheaded friend, Megan, who both seem very keen on something happening between the three of them.
So far, the logs are just showing some attitude minor adjustment. Nothing that couldn’t be explained away by some college kids drinking a bit too much.
Then, out of left field, the “Domestic Kink” protocol gets loaded in.
Josh was sure they had just been in the kitchen, but thinks just… jumped and now he was sitting next to Megan on the couch.
“Sooooo…” Megan was twirrling her hair with a finger, biting her lip slightly. “You know Ashley and I aren’t really looking forward to studying. In fact, I’ve been going crazy with the whole school thing.”
“Seriously?” This was news to him. Megan was a bit of an ice queen socially, but she’d had the reputation of an overachiever in their Econ class. This is like some twilight zone shit…. And where’s Ashley?
“Totes serious, Joshy.” Megan continued, sounding less like herself by the second. “Like, I knew I was just going to college to snag some cutie, and maybe party, but I’m soooo over it already.”
“So no grad school?” Josh was looking around for Ashley, if only to have a witness to this madness.
“LAWL. Josh, you know I’m only interested in getting my MRS.’” Megan giggled, and took another drink from her vodka martini.
Wait, wasn’t that a vodka lemonade in a solo cup? Josh shook his head, things were getting difficult to follow. He felt drunk, even though didn’t remember taking a sip of anything tonight.
Megan continued on, oblivious to Josh’s divided attention. “Like, I totally had an eye on this cutie in my Econ class, buuuuut he was taken by some hottie!”
She finished off her Martini with a slight whine escaping her lips.
“Heey, don’t worry about me Joshy.” Megan said, mistaking his confusion for awkward pity. “I totally get why you’re with Ashley. She’s like the hottest babe in the quad!”
Megan leaned in close, and Josh suddenly was aware of just how fucking hot Megan looked tonight. He was still craning his neck behind the couch, looking for his friend, but it was increasingly difficult to ignore the new Megan.
Josh wasn’t sure if it was the strong smell of her perfume mixed the vodka on her breath, but the world swam for a second.
“Can I tell you a secret?” Megan was whispering so close to his ear, her nose brushed against his cheek.
“I’m jealous but also, like, a total lezzie for Ashley. Between you and her, I’m not sure who I’d rather fuck.” She slipped in a tipsy giggle. “But it’s not like I haven’t spent waaay too much time thinking about it.”
Josh stammered, and Megan pulled herself back, blushing under her makeup.
“Oh, shit. I’m sorry, I totally don’t want you to think I’m some kind of creep! I’ve just Facebook stalked you two a bit…. And maybe gotten off a couple of times.”
Josh’s mouth was open, but before he could find the words, he saw Ashley out of the corner of his eye, coming down the stairs.
“Sorry! I’m going to shut up! We’re all PG-13 in here Ash!” Megan said, raising her hands in mock innocence.
Josh got up and walked over to meet Ashley, only to stop halfway to the stairs. Ashley had changed as well, and he needed a moment to take her in.
Instead of her normal jeans and casual top, Ashley was in a tight fitting but professional dress, heels and all. Her makeup, which she’d rarely spent much time on, was heavier than normal but flawless.
“Hey Ashley, ummm, are you going out?”
It looks like she should be going to the country club, to join the gaggle of Stepford hotties I saw earlier.
“What? You’re so silly, babe! You know I just like to dress up for you whenever I can!” Ashley’s voice was higher, more feminine. “Do you really think I look hot tonight?” She smiled with the slightest bit of pride in her face.
“Ashley, you look… amazing.” Josh squeaked out.
“More like hot as fuck!” Megan interjected from behind.
“Megan!” Ashley said with wide eyes.
“Sorry! I’m drunk. Couldn’t help it.” Megan looked genuinely nervous as Ashely sat next to her.
“Uhhhh, yeah.” Josh tried to collect his thoughts. “Megan was just telling me about how she was looking forward to… finding a guy and dropping out?” The words sounded wrong, but seemed to fit with her new ditzy Valley Girl voice and outgoing personality.
As much as he hated to admit it, the whole regressive airhead thing was turning him on…
“Hey, that’s totally the plan.” Ashley gave a light shoulder bump to her friend. “I mean, who needs a degree if we can just snag some strong man to take care of you.
“We’ll miss out on all the awesome greek parties, but it’s totally not worth all the pretending to care about grades and stuff. Ugh!”
The before tonight, Ashley had been a staunch feminist and driven student. Josh had seen her honk and flick off line of sorority pledge line, yelling ‘Sheep!’ out the window.
“Josh, I know we said I’d get at least a year in, but I’m counting the days where I can just be your sexy housewife.” Ashley giggled “Don’t deny you’ve been ‘forgetting’ a condom these last few months. I know you can’t wait to knock me up and get a hot trophy wife.”
“Ugh! Jealous!!” Megan threw her head back and sighed. “You know I can’t stand that ‘equal gender’ bullshit they tried to teach in Sociology. I just want a rich hunk with a big cock who’ll keep fucking me full of babies. At least ‘till I can retire as a MILF.”
“Hey, just need to find the right guy!” Ashley blew Josh a kiss. “Let’s get started before the pizza guy gets here!”
“Wait… studying… but…?” Josh was struggling with his own horniess and shame to manage a complete thought. It was like some crazy, shameful, misogynistic fantasy had been pulled from a hazy wet dream. He was painfully hard, but still paranoid that the girls were playing a bizarre joke on him.
Like the situation was a fragile reality that could break any moment.
“Study, LAWL! Funny Joshy.” Megan scooted forward on the couch. “Come on, let’s play truth or dare! Like, we’re if still in college, let’s take advantage of it!”
“Hi Daddy! I’m s’posed to tell you that the doctor called and he said all the tests results were in an guess what. I’ve got MILF brain!”
I didn’t need the doctor to tell me that. My wife had been exhibiting all the symptoms of Pregnancy-Induced Hormonal Interference — or what people had come to call MILF brain or Teen Mom Syndrome.
It was hard to notice at first. I just thought her forgetfulness was routine pregnancy brain. Bigger tits? Longer hair? Perfectly normal part of getting knocked up. And her newfound yearning for whole milk? What pregnant woman doesn’t have cravings?
But there were the little things. Her constant giggles. Her complaint that maternity clothes weren’t sexy enough. Her forgetfulness turning into full-on ditziness.
The doctor said that she had a 50 percent chance of returning to normal after giving birth. Apparently the whole MILF brain thing was some kind of evolutionary response to low birth rates.
I didn’t get the evolutionary purpose of my wife losing her gag reflex. Or developing a taste for schoolgirl porn. Or calling me daddy.
But as long as she was happy and healthy otherwise, who was I to complain?